17 July 2012

things germans do (more often than most americans i've met)

At the risk of perhaps skewedly influencing your perception of the entire German population based on my approximately two months of experience in a single, secluded village in the middle of the Black Forest, I've decided to dedicate this blog to explaining the funny things that most Germans probably might do.

1.  Use their utensils properly.
Today we had spaghetti for lunch.  I noticed my colleague, who was sitting across from me, looking down toward my plate while we were eating.  Oh god.  I knew at that moment there was a wad of spaghetti smeared across my chest.  There had to be.  I can never eat spaghetti without making a mess.  But having experienced the embarrassment of spilling my food and staining my clothing time and time again, I knew to play it cool and act oblivious.  Then, when her gaze drifted away, I casually looked down to inspect my blouse.  Nope.  Nothing there.  Then what could she have been smirking at?  And that's when I realized, disappointedly, that I was once again committing a utensil faux paux.  Instead of eating my spaghetti with a fork and a spoon, like any refined European, I was using a fork and a knife.  (I even cut it up a little bit before I started eating, which was probably more amusing for my colleague than my incorrect utensil choice.)  How embarrassing.
And just when I was starting to get used to holding my knife in my right hand, politely directing my little foods with onto the prongs of the fork in my left, and steering that dysfunctional left hand with perfect precision toward my mouth, the Germans throw me another curve ball and propose that I use a SPOON to eat spaghetti.  It's going to take me months to master this one.  I'll never make it here.

2.  Run around in the mornings screaming good morning at everyone.
MORGEN! MORGE'!  GUUUTTEEENNN MOORRRGEEENN!
This is one of my favorite things about Germans and probably the only reason I'm halfway a real person in the mornings.  I have to be on my game and ready to say good morning to everyone before they say good morning to me.  So I drink my coffee in the mornings and then I practice on people I pass as I'm walking down the mountain.  By the time I get to work I'm pretty warmed up and can 'morning-out pretty much any German that crosses my path.  Also Germans are funny about this because they don't even necessarily wait until they see someone to actually direct their good morning greeting toward.  They kind of just walk around saying different variations of "Morgen!" every five-or-so seconds, turning their head back and forth, not particularly expecting a reply.  And don't you think that's how it should be?  If it's really a good morning, do we need to wait until we SEE SOMEONE to declare that fact?  No.  The answer is no.  We should just announce it over and over again to whoever (and whatever) surrounds us.

3.  Drive fast and run over pedestrians.
I don't know.  This isn't cool, guys.  Germany is a real-life game of Frogger.  That is not an exaggeration.  Germans will run you over with their BMW or their Mercedes, and then your bloody spatters will be left to dissolve into the pavement.  And no one will feel sorry for you because it is apparently your fault if you cross the street right in front of a car.  Well.  That's not how it works in Boston.  In fact, in Boston, cars WANT you to cross in front of them.  It's like a game -- see if you can stop before you smash the jaywalker.  But seriously.  I am not conditioned  to look before I cross the street.  This is just a really bogus thing Germans do, and I'm only including it in this blog to call them out on their bullshit.  If you have a car, and it's raining (and I am a pedestrian without any protective rain gear), it would be kind (and human-like) for you to pause so I can cross the street.  But that's not how it works here.  And that's (partially) why people end up wringing out their rain-soaked dresses in stairwells.

4.  Stare at you.
The German Stare. This is what happens:  You are anywhere.  There is a German around.  You look at them, but they aren't looking back at you.  They're looking THROUGH you, inside of your soul.  Finally their gaze connects with yours, they stare icily into your eyes, and then they carry on their way.  Totally normal.   I was warned, I won't say I wasn't, but it was still scary the first couple of times.  And then I was like, Um, excuse me, but this is my soul, and it's not on display at the moment, so back off biotch.  Or something like that.  But now by the time their icy gaze meets mine, my eyes are so full of fire and ferocity that they melt and look away, ashamed that they tried to take advantage of my soul.  
Hm... Well.  At least I like to think that I'm being that intimidating.
But this street stare that I described above is child's play.  The really scary German Stare is the one you don't usually notice - it's the German with a permanent frown painted onto their face, who wears an apron and has dissheveled hair.  They stand on their balcony and hold the railing with a grip so tight it looks like their knuckles are going to burst.  And then they lean their upper bodies over the ledge and suck all of the happiness out of you as you're passing by (kind of like a dementor, but more frightening).  I haven't really learned how to deal with this kind of German Stare yet.
The most important thing to remember is that no matter where you are or what you're doing, there is some German watching you.

5.  Eat bread.
Funny thing that people eat bread here in Germany, because we don't even have bread back in America!  Oh, what's that you say?  We do have bread?  False.  And if you've ever eaten bread from a bakery in Germany, you'll know exactly why I say that's false.  It's the most deliciously fresh and pure, crunchy and chewy, price-worthy and fabulous grain you've ever consumed.
Germans also like to eat pretzels and Broetchen and toast and other grainy things which we, as Americans, might confuse as bread.  But according to the bread experts (and who can dispute the bread experts?), these things are, in fact, NOT bread.  And we are completely unwarranted to debate the subject because we don't even have bread in America.


[Facts above taken from an actual argument between Germans and Americans at the Independence Day party which I threw.  Not until my friend Henni revealed to me the harsh, but true, fact that there isn't bread in America, did I agree that toast is not bread.  But how could I argue with that after I realized that I don't even know what bread is?]


6.  Wear coats during the summer.
It's been off-and-on cold and hot and rainy and sunny.  Usually sunny and hot pair up and cold and rainy go together, but, hey, you never know what's going to happen here in the Black Forest.  So, apparently this weather is really weird, and it's normally just hot in July.  Here, you might think, Oh, well the Germans have to wear their coats because they don't know what the weather will be like.  Well.  I still think if it was just hot just all the time, that Germans would just still wear their coats.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe it's a habit, like they put it on in the morning and by the time they stick their left arm through the hole and realize that it's completely unnecessary to wear a wool pea coat in 26 degree weather (we're talking Celsius here) the coat has already melted to their back and then they figure it's too much work to peel it off before going to work.  So they just wear it.  Maybe that's why they wear coats during the summer.  I really can't figure it out.  Because, seriously, I've been thinking about it, and if you live in a place that's normally cold (like Germany), shouldn't you be extra sensitive to heat?  Girls break out their bikinis in Boston in like 65 degree weather (back to Fahrenheit).  It just doesn't make any sense.  Maybe we're biologically different.

Well, I hope these six little tidbits didn't influence your perception of Germans too much, because who knows if they're really true.  I mean, I've only been here for two months.  I have absolutely no authority on this subject.

1 comment:

  1. Jenna. I love you. This is hilarious. I actually laughed aloud the entire time!

    Laurel

    ReplyDelete